Secrets
by Sheri
Summary: Back in the Alpha Quadrant, Chakotay watches Kathryn walk away, can he discover what the secret is that is keeping them apart?


Disclaimer: I don't own them, I'm only playing.

A different takes on the whole cardasian idea, hopefully better than the first. I just twisted a little of Kathryn's past. Definitely a/u.

Secrets

"I'm sorry, we can't Chakotay, please understand." Kathryn was trying hard to not cry, she wished he would just walk away, just give up.

"Kathryn, we've been home for 3 weeks. We're free to go, get on with our lives, I want you in mine." He was pleading with her.

She cupped her hand on his face, "I'm sorry" it was all she could say, she walked away, leaving him free to go on with his life. He would find someone, someone to make him happy, he deserved that.

********

"I don't understand it. I thought maybe once we got home that she would give us a try, but she just walked away." Chakotay was lost, he was staying with Tom and Belanna, and they couldn't help him in any way either. Kathryn was being elusive to everyone, and as soon as she was released, she went home and didn't contact anyone. 

They all understood she wanted time with her family, but they at least expected a quick vid-call, or something, but it had been 4 weeks and nothing.

Belanna decided to go for a walk, the air was definitely tense in their apartment. She wasn't sure how long she had been walking, but she ended up in a park near headquarters. She sat down on a nearby bench to rest, she was only 5 months pregnant, but she did find that she got tired rather easily.

She had been there only a short time when she heard a familiar voice, she couldn't quite make out what she was saying but that voice belonged to Kathryn Janeway. She got up and proceeded to walk towards her, The Captain was heading for a nearby transport station, walking with a young woman with auburn hair. 

"Captain, is that you?" She yelled.

The woman stopped and turned, and so did her companion. Belanna froze, the woman was definitely Cardasian. "Belanna, …it's good to see you. How have you been."

Belanna eyed the other woman carefully. She had tried for years to put aside her hatred for the Cardasian's but that was not easy. "I'm good Captain. We wondered what happened to you."

"I've just been catching up with friends and family. I've missed out on a lot."

"Yeah, I can imagine you have." Belanna didn't have a chance to say anything else. The young woman whispered something in her ear, "I'm sorry Belanna, but we have to get going."

"Alright, I hope I see you again soon, maybe we could get together for dinner." She asked in a last ditch effort.

"Maybe sometime, I'll contact you." Said Kathryn, as she quickly walked off. Funny, she never introduced her friend.

********

"I'm telling you Tom, it was weird. The woman looked Cardasian but definitely not 100% you know. She was actually pretty." Belanna hadn't been able to tell Chakotay about her encounter with the captain, but she was still going over and over it with Tom. "She didn't introduce her, almost acted as if she weren't there."

"Maybe she was no one important. She has to have a lot of people bugging her, maybe she has just had her fill of it and wants to be left alone for a while. Maybe if we did, she would come around, and maybe even give Chakotay a chance."

"Well, don't get your hopes up flyboy."

"Hopes up about what?" Chakotay interrupted.

Belanna took a deep breath and told Chakotay the story. 

He just shrugged it off, "I don't know Bella, maybe I should just take the hint."

"You mean give up. NO. Listen just like tom was saying we should just back off, give her another month or so. This has been a lot for all of us to deal with, let's give her some time, ok."

"Yeah, alright, I was thinking about taking a trip to Dorvan anyway. I want to see what's left. I won't be staying there long, maybe 2 weeks to a month. It'll clear my head, help me get control of these feelings."

"When will you be leaving." Asked Belanna.

"I'll arrange for transport tomorrow."

********

Chakotay had been gone for two weeks. He just called, he looked to be in much better spirits. He was going to stay two more weeks, and then he would be coming home.

As soon as she ended the call with Chakotay, when the doorbell rang, she got up to answer it and was surprised to find the woman that was with the Captain.

"Hello, Can I help you with something." Asked Belanna.

"I'm sorry to bother you, could I come in and talk to you."

Belanna was a little unsure about this, she was at least part Cardasian after all, but something in the woman's eyes told Belanna she could be trusted. Belanna opened the door all the way and motioned her inside. Once she entered Belanna got a better look at her, She was actually quite beautiful. Long dark auburn hair, bright blue eyes, the Cardasian features didn't stand out that much, the spot on her forehead was quite obvious, and Belanna could see the tendons in her neck underneath her hair. Her skin color was pale but smooth".

"Umm, I'm not sure where to start. My family has always protected me, a little too much at times, but I know it was for my own good. Now my mom is still trying to protect me, but I'm 21 years old, and I don't think I need protecting from this."

"What are you talking about. I don't even know who you are." Belanna said, sounding a little annoyed.

The young woman looked up, a little hesitant and spoke, "I'm Carlene Janeway, Kathryn Janeway's daughter."

"Oh boy, I think I need to sit down." Belanna was a little shocked.

"Are you ok. Listen I didn't mean to shock you, I just didn't know how else to say it. Mom has dealt with so much rejection in her life. I don't know how she does it. It seems to roll of her back. She has always said she loves me and doesn't need anyone else. But this time seems different, she seems so lost. She misses everyone terribly and she could do something about it but she won't. Once again protecting me. SO I 'm here to find out, do I need protecting?"

Wow, this woman knew how to get to the point. Would the crew of Voyager accept her? Suddenly her heritage made no difference. "No you don't. Now let's get something to eat while we wait for my husband to get home, then we can go visit your mother."

Carlene smiled. She somehow knew these people would be ok.

"What about Chakotay? Will he understand?" She heard her mom talk plenty of her first officer. And she could tell her mom liked this man, she hadn't outright admitted it but it was more than obvious.

"Hmmm Chakotay, You'll like him. And I think he'll be relieved his problem with Kathryn was as simple as this." Belanna gave her a heartwarming smile. Carlene already liked these people.

********

They all stood outside of the Janeway home, Tom still couldn't help but stare at Carlene, " I still don't understand how you could've missed it, she looks just like her."

"Well Tom, we didn't know about her, how in the world would I have picked that up."

They followed Carlene into the house, "Carly, is that you?" came a voice from somewhere inside.

"Yeah mom, it's me, and I brought company!"

"Oh yeah, who?" she asked emerging from the kitchen. She stopped in her tracks. "Tom, Belanna, I wasn't expecting you."

"NO I suppose not, Carlene invited us. I hope you don't mind."

She was a little uncertain, but didn't want to show it, "She did, did she?"

"Yup, I just took matters into my own hands." She answered her mother with a smile.

"Well come on in, and have a seat. Carly was about to cook us dinner." 

"I am, huh."

"Well do you really want me in that kitchen."

  
"Jeez mom, what's with the threats?" she laughed.

The four of them fell into a comfortable conversation. Kathryn never brought up the fact that she didn't tell them about Carly, as the quickly began calling her, it was obvious why she didn't. A ship full of maquis, determined to hate Cardasian's was the obvious reason. Now they just had to let her know that it would've been different.

They ate dinner, Carly was quite the cook, "This is delicious, thanks for having us."

"You're welcome, grandma taught me to cook before she died. She said someone had to keep mom fed when she got home."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you're mom died Captain." Belanna said sympathetically.

"Thanks Belanna, she died six months before I got home, I'm just glad she was here to raise Carly, and please, call me Kathryn."

"Well, Kathryn, at least she got the news you were alive before she died."

"That did help, we were so lost when Voyager disappeared. All I could think was that the one person who accepted me for me was gone, grandma was there to help, and I was there to help her. That jerk mark came around a few times but only a few, god I never liked him."

"Mark, wasn't that you're fiancée." Asked Belanna.

"Umm no, not really, just made that part up." Kathryn was looking at her feet, so many secrets, it felt good to get them out in the open.

"Oh, I see, what else was made up." Asked Tom.

"Nothing else really, I haven't been involved with anyone since Justin, and we weren't really involved. We were going to get married, but it was right after… well, I wasn't in condition to be … umm more than friends. He asked me to marry him, said he would help raise the baby, then he was killed along with my father when we crashed our ship. Carly was only 2 months old, I was with them, and I was almost killed too. I nearly left her for good, twice. I'll never do it again."

"What are you saying?" asked Belanna.

"I quit Starfleet, I really needed to get away from all that." She paused, "I sacrificed too much, I won't do it anymore."

"So tell us, what happened. We see she's here, but…" Belanna wanted to know, if they were going to help her, they should know but it might not be that easy.

Tom interrupted "I have a feeling I know, god, dad never said anything. He said he was the only one. He lied."

"Tom, he was trying to protect me. I'm sure you've heard the story of Tom's father's capture by the Cardasian's." Kathryn addressed Belanna.

"Yeah Tom told me. He said you were captured too, but that nothing happened to you."

"Well, that wasn't entirely true. I was in that dark, tiny cell, left alone to hear Admiral Paris' screams. I was grateful that it wasn't me. God, if I only knew what was coming. Funny but it actually happened just a short time before I was rescued, ironic huh. One moment I was alone in the cell, the next I was being dragged out by my legs. The guard wasted no time ripping my clothes off…well no details needed, Justin arrived after the guard finished. He pulled him off me, broke his neck." She looked over at her daughter, she was crying. "Oh, honey. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said it." She tried to comfort her.

"I'm ok mom, I do know how I got here, I guess I just never heard it before, You know, hearing it makes it more real. How can you…"

"Don't even say it. Sweetheart, I love you. You are my reason for living. The reason I had to get home. Don't ever forget it."

"I won't, I promise, I love you mom."

*********

Tom and Belanna had spent a lot of time with Kathryn and Carly, in fact, they were considering moving to Indiana to be closer to them. A house was vacant near their house, it needed a lot of work, but it seemed to be exactly what they were looking for.

They were sitting on the couch going over all the repairs needed when Chakotay came in.

"Hey old man, welcome back."

"It's good to be back Bella. So what did I miss? Anything major." He was definitely in a much better mood.

They both just stared at him.

"What? You two have me worried"

"Well there isn't really anything to be worried about. In fact it's really good news." Belanna commented, remembering Kathryn's confession to her late one night. They had stayed up late talking when Kathryn blurted out that she loved him. She wanted to be with him, but between Carly, and the fact that she hadn't been with a man in nearly 22 years, she was scared, more like terrified.

"We saw Kathryn, in fact, we've spent nearly everyday with her for the past 2 weeks."

"What? Oh my god, how is she, what is she doing?" 

"She's fine, and she's expecting us for dinner tonight. You will be a delightful surprise for her. But Chakotay, I have to warn you, she's been keeping a huge secret. I don't know if you really want to hear this."

"What's going on Bella?" he was concerned.

"It's not bad, not really. Well it is but it isn't. God tom how do I tell him this."

"You don't. Let's go see Kathryn, let her explain."

"Bella, I want to know what's going on, no strike that, maybe I don't. Hey what's this? A house." He changed the subject reaching for the padd on the coffee table.

"Yeah, we found a house, it needs a lot of work, but we've decided to take it. It's right by Kathryn's house." 

He gave them a confused look and proceeded to his bedroom.

*********

They arrived at the house a few minutes late, Harry called at last minute and wanted to come along. Tom and Belanna had already told him about Carly and he was dying to meet her.

The door opened and Carly let them all in. She stopped Belanna on the way in, "Is that him, god, he's gorgeous." She whispered.

"Hey Kathryn, we have a surprise for you."

"You do, and what could that be?" she asked walking up the greet them. "Harry, god it's good to see you." She said hugging him, then she suddenly noticed her surprise, "Chakotay, oh my god, I didn't know you were back already." 

"I got back just a few hours ago." He answered stealing a glance at Carly.

"Belanna, I take it you didn't tell him anything." She said sounding a little upset.

"Nope, I sure didn't. The reaction would be more real. Isn't that what you wanted."

"Hmmm. I suppose, well Chakotay… I…I would like you to meet my daughter, Carlene."

Chakotay nearly choked, "Daughter, how, I mean, she's, why didn't you ever tell me." He yelled.

Kathryn froze, reality was coming crashing down, and she wasn't sure she was ready for it. "I. I'm sorry, I know I should've but… but…"

Carly interrupted them, "So do you have a problem with me?" She was more than ready to defend her mother.

"Kathryn should know better, I don't have a problem with you. But Kathryn, what happened. You told me about your capture by the Cardasian's but you never said you were raped. Why didn't you tell me? I think I'm right, aren't i."

"You're right" she answered, in barely a whisper.

"God's Kathryn, how could you leave this out," he was oblivious to all the people around, at that moment it was just he and Kathryn. " We have been good friends for a long time, and you leave out something like this." He wanted to continue his rant but the tears flowing from Kathryn's eyes stopped him cold, he reached out and enveloped her in a hug.

"I didn't know what you would think, I needed you out there, If I told you, you might have left me." She cried.

"How could you think, after knowing me for so long, that after something so obviously horrible, that produced something so beautiful, that it would make a difference in how I felt about you. I'm sorry, me of all people should know why you didn't say anything. Sometimes my mouth runs away from me."

Harry broke the mood, "Beautiful is an understatement" he mumbled.

Carly laughed.

"Oh god, did I say that out loud." Harry was embarrassed.

"Watch it Mister Kim, that's my daughter." She said, arms still around Chakotay.

"Feel better?" he asked her.

"Yeah, I'm fine." She answered.

"I'm sorry, I think we have a lot to talk about. No more secrets, ok." He said kissing her on the forehead.

"No more secrets." 

*********

Chakotay spent the next few weeks getting to know this Kathryn. She wasn't entirely different, but she was. She was a mom, over protective, loving, and happy. He learned more about her ordeal, how Justin helped, excepting the baby unconditionally. Her devastation over his and her fathers death. Trying to grieve and be a new mom at the same time. So much pain for one lifetime. It amazed him to watch her, despite it all; she was still such a strong woman.

Everything during there stay in the delta quadrant made sense. New Earth, how she desperately wanted to leave that peaceful planet and go home. Her clinging to mark, which he now knew, was really clinging to Carly. How she pushed him and everyone else away, god, if she only told them.

He was trying not to ponder too much on the past, he could see a future for them, and he wanted to make sure she could see it too.

Everyone was getting excited over the impending birth of Tom and Belanna's baby; she was due any time now. They didn't yet know what they were having; they wanted it to be a surprise.

Harry seemed to be 'just in the neighborhood' an awful lot lately too. He and Carly went for walks and seemed to be really enjoying each other's company. 

********

Kathryn was a little nervous about Chakotay. He was staying with her now, in separate rooms! They got along wonderfully and he fully excepted Carly for who she was, not what. He and Kathryn had many talks about his past and hers. They shared their fears and hopes. But one subject still remained untouched, sex.

He never pushed it, kept telling her he didn't need it, but that wasn't fair to him, she had no right to expect that. He had needs to be taken care of and if she couldn't fulfil them, he would eventually go elsewhere, at least that's what she thought. Intimacy wasn't a problem, they often were found cuddling on the couch, or under her favorite tree. She enjoyed kissing him, but the kisses just bordered on the passionate side. 

Ever since the rape, she couldn't bare the thought of another man touching her. Mark was the only one who tried. They had been dating for 6 months, when one-night things started heating up. She froze, pushed him away. He told her if she just tried, she would get over it, and he resumed his ministrations, he only stopped when she let out a panicked cry. Shaking all over she repeatedly apologized for her behavior, he said he understood, but it was never the same between them. They stayed friends but nothing more.

Now, she didn't want the same thing to happen to Chakotay. The only thing he was pushing was the sleeping arrangements. He wanted to hold her during the night, but that could lead to something else, and she wasn't ready to risk that.

"Hey, penny for your thoughts.'' Carly sat down next to her mom. "Are you ok, you looked a million miles away."

"I'm fine sweetie, just thinking." She didn't feel she could discuss this with her daughter of all people.

"Well you know you can talk to me about anything, right mom."

"I know, It's just something I have to work through." The call coming in interrupted them. It was Chakotay; he had been at Tom and Belanna's new house helping them get it fixed up when Belanna went in labor. "Meet me at the transport station, they are already at the hospital."

"I'll see you in a few."

"Alright, love you Kath." And the screen went blank.

**********

Tom came bursting out of the room, "It's a boy, I have a son!"

Even after his wife went through 9 hours of labor, Tom looked like he had energy to burn. "He's perfect, just perfect. Doc said you could see him in a few, I'll come and get you."

Before anyone could say anything, Tom flew back into the room. Chakotay let out a laugh and looked down to the floor, Kathryn knew what was bothering him. He wanted a child of his own.

"He seemed excited, did they even say what they were going to name it if it was a boy." Asked Kathryn.

"Owen, I think. I guess we'll have to wait."

They didn't have to wait long; Tom came back out 15 minutes later and escorted the two of them back into the room. Belanna looked exhausted, but happy as she gently cradled her newborn son. "Hey congratulations Belanna." Offered Kathryn, "he's beautiful."

"Do you want to hold him, Kathryn."

"Oh yes, definitely." She said, she sat on a nearby chair cradling the precious bundle. "Oh, how I miss this age, so new, so small. Carly was such a tiny baby, I loved to hold her, Mom would tell me I was spoiling her, but I just couldn't put her down."

"Do you want any more kids, Kathryn?" asked Tom.

"I haven't really thought about it." She lied.

"How about you old man, are you going to hold my son."

"Just waiting my turn, somehow I think Carly is going to jump in there next." He laughed.

"OH, I'm tempted to, but I think you deserve to be next." Carly replied.

"Why thank you, young lady. Now we just have to wait till your mom stop's hogging him."

Kathryn never noticed the playful banter going on in the room. She couldn't take her eyes off of little Owen Paris. She did lie; she wanted another baby so bad she could taste it. Chakotay's baby. Maybe it was time to put aside fear and try. She knew Chakotay would be patient with her, she couldn't have asked for a better man.

"Kathryn, hello, are you there." He asked her playfully.

She smiled. "No, I left an hour ago. I suppose that's a hint to, it's your turn." She had to find a simple way to let him know she was ready for more, ready to try. She didn't intend on saying it, it was more a thought then anything else, but before she could stop herself, it came out. "Alright, here you go, after all, if you're lucky, you'll need this practice."

Did he just hear that, right here, in front of everybody? "Kathryn?"

She smiled, this was not the time or place for that conversation, "Have a seat Chakotay."

He obeyed and accepted the baby; he could have this one-day.

********

Month's passed, little Owen grew fast. Kathryn and Chakotay's relationship also grew. It wasn't easy at first, but over time He helped her over come her fears, it was only a couple of months after Owens birth that they took the next step. They didn't advertise the fact but Chakotay was sure everyone knew, to him Kathryn seemed to be glowing.

She cried afterwards, Chakotay had been so tender and sweet, he took his time making sure was ok, she never imagined love making could be so sweet. It had been beyond anything she could've imagined. Now she couldn't get enough of him, and now that Carly spent less time at home, it left more time for them to be alone.

*********

Kathryn had been a little upset at the fact that Carly spent little time at home now a day, she knew she was spending that time at Harry's and had mixed feelings. When she left for the delta quadrant her daughter was 13 years old, still a child, it was hard at times to remember she was now a grown adult. Yet she trusted Harry, she couldn't ask for a better young man to be with her daughter.

But now she had other things to think about, she had just returned from the doctor, after feeling nauseous for the past 3 weeks she decided it was time for a check up. The doctor confirmed her suspicions; she was 8 weeks pregnant. She knew Chakotay was going to be thrilled and to tell the truth, so was she. The problem was telling Carly, she's been an only child for the past 21 years, and her mom wasn't all that young any more. God, what was she going to say.

Well now is the time to find out, "Hi mom, I'm home."

"Hi honey, I'm here in the living room. Come in here and talk to me." Yelled Kathryn.

"You're in the mood to talk good, I think I really need someone to talk to." Carly sounded upset.

"What is it? What is wrong?" 

"Well, I'm not sure if you're the person I should talk to about this, yet you're the only person I want to talk to." She stopped a moment eyeing her mother carefully. "You know me and Harry have become quite close. Well, I think we're at that point where we want to…umm…you know."

"Have sex." Kathryn said blatantly.

Carly blushed, "Yes, I've already been to the doctor, I'm now on boosters. I don't know, I guess I just felt the need to tell you."

"I do appreciate you coming to me, and I'm glad to see you already took precautions. It's smart to think of those things ahead of time before you're in the heat of the moment. And I'm glad we're on this subject, because I need to talk to you about something too."

"Sure mom, what is it?"

"Well, it would seem that I wasn't as careful as you were, and don't get me wrong, I'm not disappointed but, well."

"Mom, what? Are you ok?" She hadn't seen her mom this flustered before. "Oh my god, I didn't realize that you and Chakotay had, well," god why couldn't she say that word.

"Yes, we have and I suppose you realize what is coming next."

Carly couldn't help it, she practically lept into her mom's lap, "yes, I'm finally going to be a big sister, I can't wait, this is wonderful."

"Oh Carly, you're approval means so much to me."

"You definitely have it, don't worry about that."

"Now keep quite, Chakotay hasn't even been told."

*********

Chakotay allowed himself be led over to the dining room table, he had only been home from work for fifteen minutes but he could already tell Kathryn was up to something.

"What's for dinner Kathryn?" asked Chakotay.

"Well, we have baby peas and baby corn here, baby potatoes over here, and I thought of replicating baby lamb, but I don't like the taste of it, so I made a lovely sauce, and made baby rice to tie it all together." She laughed.

"Baby rice, never heard of it."

"I just named it that, it seemed to fit with the rest of the dinner, here, have a drink." She said offering him a glass.

"Apple juice? Oh let me guess, baby apple juice." He laughed, enjoying her playfulness, but not quite catching on.

"Well, it's usually baby's first juice." 

"What is with you, you are definitely acting strange."

"Hmm, I thought you would've figured it out by now but…"

"Oh my god, Kathryn, a baby, are we going to have a baby?" He already grabbed her and pulled her into his lap.

"Yes, daddy, I'm 8 weeks along already." She leaned close and kissed him passionately.

"You have made me the happiest man alive" he returned the kiss, just as passionate as she did.

*********

Epilogue:

Tom and Belanna walked down the hallway carrying young Owen; he was playfully pulling his mom's hair. "Stop that, it hurts sweetie." Said Belanna removing his small fingers from her hair.

"Hair." The little boy commented once again reaching for another handful.

"Here Tom, you carry him." She handed Tom the small handful.

"Hey, it's about time you guys got here." It was harry, standing with his arm around Carly.

"Any news yet?"

"No. Nothing." 

Just then Chakotay burst out of the door. "It's a girl, I have a daughter. She's perfect, Kathryn's perfect." And with that he ran back in the room.

"Looks flamer to someone almost a year ago." Laughed harry.

Tom laughed. "There's something about becoming a father that makes you not think quite straight."

"Remember that Harry, maybe you'll learn something."

Harry rested his hand on his wife's belly, still fairly small. "I doubt it."

"Come on Carly, you have a little sister you have to meet." They both rose to go greet the happy couple. Life was sure better, with no secrets.

END


End file.
